Who knows that? Longed for a time off at your dream destination, that you literally “worked out” your vacation? And as soon as you have arrived, at the holiday resort or, which many have probably considered this year, on balconies, in the garden or in your own environment, things start to get worse. Your partner doesn't want what you want. He/she blames you. The children are annoying. Interests clash. And you are wondering whether such a vacation alone would not have been a worthwhile alternative?
Stop! Your vacation doesn't have to end like this! What can help? Communication! "Communication ???" you ask yourself? Yes exactly! As Paul Watzlawick used to say: "You cannot NOT communicate". Why that? You may be asking "I'm telling him / her what annoys me". And this is exactly the sticking point. We are used to constantly judging people and telling them what we don't like about them. How about another variant?
The American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, who developed the concept of nonviolent communication, suggests that one should be impartial and respectful to the other. How it works? First of all, Rosenberg advises not to evaluate what happened. Practically, it looks like this: if your partner throws laundry on the floor, instead of putting it in the suitcase or closet and you tell him "You ALWAYS throw your laundry on the floor", he or she will probably start a counterattack . You will surely have to listen tothe reply, that you are again a nagging, nagging nervous aunt or a lousy peter. Or that you are ALWAYS scolding. And now the exchange of blows starts and you are involved in evaluations and judgments. Rosenberg suggests not to assess the situation, but to present it in a matter-of-fact and objective manner. In our case, that would be "I see laundry on the floor." Yes, okay, but is there something missing? Yes, it is important to speak of yourself, your own perspective and your own feelings.
How do I feel seeing my partner throwing the laundry on the floor? Do I feel annoyed, tense, under pressure, am I excited, angry or does it make me uneasy? And what is actually my need, which is behind the untidy room? Maybe I'm annoyed because I have a need for order. Maybe I'm also annoyed because I had a hard day and don't want to clean up the room. It would be important to remain calm and to express exactly that, my own feelings and wishes or needs. "I see laundry from you lying on the floor. I get restless from my evaluations ("He / she never takes care of me") because I have a need for order and structure in our room. Very nice! But something is still missing. What specific concerns do I have about my partner? What should he / she do, what do I wish for, what should be different, so that my need for order is met? That should also be discussed. "I would like us both to put our laundry in the closet in the morning so that we can return to a tidy room in the afternoon." And then ask your partner if it would be okay for him or her or if he / she has objections and maybe even other suggestions. "Do you agree? Do you have any other ideas? How do you feel about it? "
Rosenberg also suggests asking the other person whether what I have said has been received by the other person. "How did you understand what I said?" Sometimes it is very exciting to see how the other person puts their own perceptions and evaluations in our concern! This needs to be checked. If your partner says no, he/she are likely to be prevented from doing so by his/her own important need. Maybe the vacation time is the only time he or she can start relaxed in the morning, maybe he or she would be open to put the laundry in the closet at noon or in the afternoon.
Again in short:
1) First, describe the situation that led to the conflict without evaluating it. "I see laundry lying on the floor."
2) Name the feeling you had for this. "I am restless"
3) Name your need "I need order"
4) Formulate a request that contains your wish or need. "Can we clean up the room together in the morning?" "Can you put the laundry in the closet in the morning?"
5) Make sure that your concerns have been understood by others. "What did you understand?" "How did you understand what I said?"
If you keep these 5 steps in mind and maybe take them into account one time or another, you are prepared for the next discussion and your vacation will be what you want it to be: relaxing, harmonious. Rosenberg recommends that you keep aware of these steps and practice "non-violent communication" regularly, ideally in any interpersonal situation, in order to learn a language free of conflict.
Sometimes it is helpful to give yourself a little empathy before speaking to your partner. In the sense: "Oh no, now his / her things are lying on the floor, that makes me very fidgety, because I need more order in our common rooms to feel good." "To address the point without reproaching him / her, I hope I can make him/her unterstand my need."
If you are curious, we recommend reading “Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg. If you would like further information on this topic or would like to leave us a comment, please use the following form. Your comments will not be published.